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Evaluate yourself

hornblower — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 03:52:40 +0000

There comes a time in every Hornblower’s life when he (there are no female Hornblowers) must examine his life, and his reasons for Web logging. I do believe that my purpose with this Web log is to convince my self that I’m really cool, while at the same time (and this is crucial) making people think to themselves, “Hey, this Hornblower guy is actually really not cool. All he does is write this damn inconsequential Web log. Doesn’t he have a job, or friends — besides the made-up readers of his Web log, anyway? And he usually ends up killing those guys, anyway. And the way he talks to them — it’s like he doesn’t know what human interactions are supposed to be like. It’s pretty disturbing. If I met this man, I would flee for the highlands. I hope he finds help, or the Lord, or help in the Lord. We are all in danger.”

More writing that you desire

hornblower — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 20:15:28 +0000

I come bearing tidings of further strings of words composed by yours truly. The piece in question may be found here. Go on over and check up on it. It tells the tale of a journey to Bruar Falls in Brooklyn, where the musical groups Real Estate, Air Waves, the Beets and Grooms played a little show for those with ears to listen and eyes to see. It’s all there for the taking, reader. Nothing is asked of you but your time.

James Surowiecki wonders how many banks will become insolvent.

hornblower — Thu, 07 May 2009 15:26:41 +0000

I’m thinking four… Okay, maybe not four. Maybe just three. Actually… Hmm. All of a sudden, I’m really not sure. Let’s start at the beginning. All right, Bank of America, definitely, right? They’re just a bunch of wild men over there. Okay, so that’s one. Citigroup — that bank’s gone way down in hole. Can’t even pay to name a subway station after its own ballpark. Two. How about TD Bank? There’s no way it can stay afloat giving away all those lollipops. And do you know what Regis and Kelly charge to be on those billboards? Stacks and stacks. So that’s three, right there. All right, how about Ted’s Bank, down on South Cherry Street in East Northport? Those arson charges aren’t helping his business any. I mean, I always stayed away from Ted, but some people didn’t see past his preacher/banker-next-door veneer. Pray for those people. What else? Deutsche Bank only has € 2,202 trillion in assets, so count them out. Sorry, Donny. What’s that? Nothing to do with Deutsche Bank? Hmm. And € 2.202 trillion is actually kind of a lot? All right, the count remains at four. Let’s turn our lens to JPMorgan Chase & Co. Hmm, 228.452 employees, $2,30 trillion in assets, 200+ years in business… looks like trouble to me. I’ll put it on the Danger List — not quite insolvent yet, but getting there. I guess that concludes my wondering about how many banks will become insolvent. I should probably go find out what insolvent means. I failed the shit out of AP Chemistry. Meantime, I’d advise everyone to invest their money in the Surowieckipedia. Get on board now and reap great rewards later, guaranteed. Guaranteed.

(Original post here.)

Clasp

hornblower — Fri, 01 May 2009 15:40:29 +0000

It’s been only a couple of days, and already I feel the seething rage among my legions of followers. Calm yourselves, masses! This week has not been quite as productive as I (and you, undoubtedly) had hoped it would be, Web-log-wise, but know that I am currently working on drafts of three very promising posts, which posts will enlighten and engage, and make you chafe and cheer — all at once! If we are being honest here, though — and we always are, for that is my ple dge — I don’t know if any of those drafts will be ready before Monday. I travel tomorrow to the fair city of Baltimore, and we shall see how the new atmosphere and new clime suits my Web logging capacity.

George Packer quotes Irving Kristol on populism.

hornblower — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 18:10:28 +0000

“Populism? Gay.”
-Irving Kristol

(Actual post here)

Sasha Frere-Jones offers a chance to hear Catchdubs, Jubilee, and Ayres in action.

hornblower — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 06:57:41 +0000

Ha, ha, ha, okay, this isn’t actually going to be an imaginary New Yorker blog post, I just wanted to call attention to the ridiculousness of that sentence’s appearance on the Web site of the New Yorker. Love him or hate him (I do both, passionately (?)), Sasha Frere-Jones does bring the New Yorker to places it has not been wont to visit in the past, e.g. Megasoid at the New Yorker Dance Party, profile of Flying Lotus (Steven Ellison).

The thing about the title of this post is that there’s no way whoever set that as the snippet would ever jump at “a chance to hear Catchdubs, Jubilee, and Ayres in action.” I’m not sure what it is exactly about this sentence is it that makes me picture some clueless Comp Lit major copy editor just picking a random line from SFJ’s post and hoping it sounds hip, but I think it’s the “in action” part, and also the fact the Nick Catchdubs just has a funny name in general, and especially so when surrounded by the estimable George Packer “[finding] out Ulysses S. Grant enjoyed spanking” (actually that one’s pretty damn weird, too) and the News Desk discussing “the NATO Summit and Germany’s First Man.”

Incidentally, for most of the weekend the line was something like “Sasha Frere-Jones recommends going to Studio B tonight,” which made sense on Friday, but then became very misleading.

Actual post here.

Or, read my thoughts on the night!

UPDATE!! Looks like someone over at the New Yorker is an avid follower of yours truly, because there was a change this morning. The blogroll now reads “Sasha Frere-Jones recommends mixes by Catchdubs, Trouble & Bass.” You’re welcome, New Yorker. I’m glad to have protected you from unspeakable embarrassment. Now give me a job.

Hilton Als just can’t stop watching Helen Mirren in “Prime Suspect”

hornblower — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 18:33:01 +0000

I’m writing this on my iPhone. I’ve been in this room for 36 hours and I don’t see an exit. I don’t know how I got here or where I am, and I don’t know who put me in here. This room, it’s so white. So clean. I can’t breathe, it’s so white in here. Everything except for the television. That goddamn television. Forever playing the same goddamn thing. I’ve been watching Series 4 of Prime Suspect the whole 36 hours, but I don’t see a DVD player anywhere. Someone is out there controlling this, and it’s scaring the hell out of me.

And now Helen Mirren seems to be talking directly to me, except not even really to me in the way that most people talk to each other, no, she’s talking through me, Hilton Als, the theatre critic, just skipping that part like it’s nothing, like she couldn’t even be bothered with him, and instead she’s talking to the eternal soul inside me and I can understand her words but they don’t make sense to me, Hilton Als, and I can only assume they make sense to my eternal soul but I can’t be sure and it’s like they, Helen Mirren and my soul, are having this private conversation that I can hear but I’m totally excluded from it as if they were speaking Afrikaans or something and it’s driving me crazy because I can’t do anything but watch and sit or stand and weep. I haven’t been this distraught since I found out that I don’t have a Wikipedia page. If anyone is even reading this, first please try to get me out of here, but if you can’t. at least write me a Wikipedia page. At least a few sentences. I just want a Wikipedia page. I’ve earned it. Please. It doesn’t have to be fancy, like Helen Mirren’s. I’m not even asking for something like Lahr’s. Just a nice-sized, sensible Wikipedia page.

God damn this white room. All white. Except for those goddamn black curtains. There aren’t even any window, just terrible curtains.

(Actual post here)

These things come in waves

hornblower — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 04:04:53 +0000

Grizzly Bear coming to Town Hall on 28th and 29th May, let’s see what they’ve got! Hit me, Droste! Hit me, Rossen! En garde, Taylor! En garde, Bear! I wonder if they’ll blow up by then like Animal Collective did between the announcement of the Grand Ballroom show and the show itself. I suspect they may, because Pitchfork will probably give them a 9.6, too. There it is, I’m calling it.

David Byrne, who also played this past Saturday, is also coming back to the area; on 3rd June (exactly three months from now!) he’ll play a show at the Wellmont Theatre in New Jersey. Not sure

Update: Now that the Grizzly Bear album has leaked, I’ll see if I actually think it deserves a 9.6, or if it’s really only a 9.5 or 9.4; there really is a huge difference. Good thing Pitchfork’s rating system is so precise. And that its review is the only thing that matters. Thank goodness. Holy Cow. Makes me long for the good old days of http://alphainventions.com

Liveblogging Jimmy Fallon’s first night

hornblower — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 06:16:14 +0000

1:17 Damn, should have started this when the show started, but better late than never. So far, he’s got a real bag of baloney on his hands, as my grandmother used to say. At this point, he’s probably almost as hated as Chris Brown –at least Rihanna took him back. Fallon is done at NBC. What was he thinking, getting Robert DeNiro to guest? Of course he can’t handle DeNiro. The first few minutes of that interview were like getting smacked in the face with a herring and farted on at the same time. The rest of it was like just the farting. The Space Train clip had zero laughs. I actually did not notice any parts of it that might have induced laughter, in anyone.

1:20 Here comes JT, let’s see what he’s got. Barry Gibb talk show was money back in the day. Fallon really didn’t need explain the whole goddamn thing, though.

1:22 Too much meta-analysis! Stop talking about your show, Fallon, you are a Limburger face.

1:23 Singing a little bit now we groove ok ok falsetto groove thang.

1:25 JT would be a better host. Jimmy is not very hostlike. He’s acting so uncomfortably, it’s like someone is asking him to pass the beans at the supper table but he has no hands.

1:27 JT is doing everything! Fallon, you stink. For something that has been planned for a while, this doesn’t seem very well-rehearsed.

1:31 He said Santogold not Santigold! Not up on things. Here comes Van, his shows are so goddamn expensive.

1:32 False start lame, the NY Times guy was hating on Van for his show at the theatre at MSG.

1:36 Old David Byrne is way cooler than old Van Morrison, but I dig this performance, it looks like they’re having some fun, and it’s cool that there are a bunch of musicians up there and not just a few guys.

Well that was pretty turdish show. I’ll say it. But I’m sure it’ll get better. I don’t know how “Lick it for Ten” and Space Train were the most praiseworthy fruits that the writers could deliver for the first episode. It seems that that staff could use a nice arsenal of Orpheus Weaponry! I’m waiting for the call.