Tin Speaker

So, no more Paula Abdul on American Idol. Guess who won’t be watching the show anymore? If you guessed Hornblower, then you’re a damn fool, cos of course I never watched that show. Oh, wait. I did. For three episodes of season six, I watched only the performances by Melinda Doolittle, who was awfully good. Unfortunately for her and decency’s (not Decency) sake — though not, I’m sure, for AI’s ratings — Ms Doolittle was voted off, no doubt for looking a little too much like Princess Fiona (post-transogrification (see what I did there, with that word?)). Not to mention Lilo, from Lilo & Stitch (side note: I cannot imagine what kind of vandalism would cause the Lilo & Stitch Wikipedia page to have to be locked. These are troubling times, indeed). She also looks like my ex-girlfriend’s ex-roommate, but I’m not going to link to a picture of her. Anyway, when Melinda got the boot, that should have been Paula’s cue to follow suit out the door and start her own show — Paula’s Dreamland of Wonderflowers and Handcrafted Doubloons.

She didn’t, though, and look where she landed. In hot water. Big surprise. So she was only offered ten million dollars for next season? And Simon gets ten times that? Sounds like the man wins again. Did you hear about the other part of Simon’s contract? How everyone has to buy him a bottle of egg nog for the first day of Spring? That was apparently the last straw for Ms Abdul. She had lobbied 19 Entertainment for the right to buy him, like, anisette or something, but to no avail. So she bopped.

What next for Ms Abdul? Word is, she’s got an album due soon. What you didn’t know, though, is that it’s a collaboration with Lenny Bruce — from beyond the grave! Spoken-word shit! Manipulated tapes, looped samples, and Paula and Lenny having conversations over the whole thing. Jeff Lynne producing. Keep your eyes peeled, readers.