Archive for the ‘The Imaginary New Yorker Blog’ category
07 May 2009
I’m thinking four… Okay, maybe not four. Maybe just three. Actually… Hmm. All of a sudden, I’m really not sure. Let’s start at the beginning. All right, Bank of America, definitely, right? They’re just a bunch of wild men over there. Okay, so that’s one. Citigroup — that bank’s gone way down in hole. Can’t even pay to name a subway station after its own ballpark. Two. How about TD Bank? There’s no way it can stay afloat giving away all those lollipops. And do you know what Regis and Kelly charge to be on those billboards? Stacks and stacks. So that’s three, right there. All right, how about Ted’s Bank, down on South Cherry Street in East Northport? Those arson charges aren’t helping his business any. I mean, I always stayed away from Ted, but some people didn’t see past his preacher/banker-next-door veneer. Pray for those people. What else? Deutsche Bank only has € 2,202 trillion in assets, so count them out. Sorry, Donny. What’s that? Nothing to do with Deutsche Bank? Hmm. And € 2.202 trillion is actually kind of a lot? All right, the count remains at four. Let’s turn our lens to JPMorgan Chase & Co. Hmm, 228.452 employees, $2,30 trillion in assets, 200+ years in business… looks like trouble to me. I’ll put it on the Danger List — not quite insolvent yet, but getting there. I guess that concludes my wondering about how many banks will become insolvent. I should probably go find out what insolvent means. I failed the shit out of AP Chemistry. Meantime, I’d advise everyone to invest their money in the Surowieckipedia. Get on board now and reap great rewards later, guaranteed. Guaranteed.
(Original post here.)
Categories: The Imaginary New Yorker Blog
Tags: banks, blog, citi, citi field, citibank, citigroup, deutsche bank, donny deutsch, insolvency, j.p. morgan, james surowiecki, jpmorgan, jpmorgan chase, jpmorgan chase and co, td bank, the big idea, the new yorker
Comments: 1 Comment
08 Apr 2009
Whoa! Hoppity hoppity boom boom! Chooparoo chooparee! Fraggledy smaggledy whizzerino! Gadfly pudding! Tse tse whiz-bang! Jerk chicken in a pita! I haven’t seen numbers this high since I weighed Marlon Brando! Too soon. Since I weighed William Howard Taft! Too late. Since I weighed Orson Welles! Just right. Man, these numbers are so high they make Whitney Houston look like a proponent of the sXe scene! They’re so high Mt. Everest was like, Hey, unemployment numbers, you’re getting a little big for your britches, why don’t you just cool it a little bit, you big old goofy mofos! Man! Talk about high numbers! Those are pretty bad! Prettyyyyyyy, prettyyyyyyyy bad. Mmm mmm.
(Actual post here)
Categories: The Imaginary New Yorker Blog
Tags: james surowiecki, unemployment
Comments: 2 Comments
06 Apr 2009
Ha, ha, ha, okay, this isn’t actually going to be an imaginary New Yorker blog post, I just wanted to call attention to the ridiculousness of that sentence’s appearance on the Web site of the New Yorker. Love him or hate him (I do both, passionately (?)), Sasha Frere-Jones does bring the New Yorker to places it has not been wont to visit in the past, e.g. Megasoid at the New Yorker Dance Party, profile of Flying Lotus (Steven Ellison).
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Categories: music, The Imaginary New Yorker Blog
Tags: ayres, blog, flying lotus, george packer, jubilee, megasoid, nato summit, nick catchdubs, sasha frere-jones, the new yorker, ulysses s grant
Comments: 6 Comments
07 Mar 2009
I’m writing this on my iPhone. I’ve been in this room for 36 hours and I don’t see an exit. I don’t know how I got here or where I am, and I don’t know who put me in here. This room, it’s so white. So clean. I can’t breathe, it’s so white in here. Everything except for the television. That goddamn television. Forever playing the same goddamn thing. I’ve been watching Series 4 of Prime Suspect the whole 36 hours, but I don’t see a DVD player anywhere. Someone is out there controlling this, and it’s scaring the hell out of me.
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Categories: The Imaginary New Yorker Blog
Tags: blog, critic, fiction, helen mirren, hilton als, kidnapping, magazine, new york, new yorker, prime suspect, the new yorker, theatre, web log
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28 Feb 2009
I’m sorry, Jerry, but, much as I loved Bee Movie, I don’t have time for film and television anymore. I’m far too busy working on the project that has become my lifeblood — the Surowieckipedia. For decades, people have asked me questions about myself — how I’m doing, where I’m from, where I went to university, et cetera. I’ve come to realize that, with the Surowieckipedia, these questions will become obsolete, and people will never need to ask me them again; I plan to use the extra time working on the Surowieckipedia.
Excerpt: James enjoys blackberry jam, but only sometimes. He finds that too-frequent ingestion can cause the sensation of having a hundred mad dancers in one’s belly. Not unpleasant, but something for which a measure of preparation is necessary. He will frequently indulge in strawberry jam, as an alternative. Also, he enjoys the music group ‘Genesis’ quite a lot.
(Actual post here)
Categories: The Imaginary New Yorker Blog, The Surowieckipedia
Tags: jerry, new yorker, raspberry, seinfeld, surowiecki, wikipedia
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23 Feb 2009
I often stroll the windy canyons of Park Avenue with scarf tight, hands jammed in pockets, and winter cap secure, leaving only my nose exposed to the New York air. This, naturally, leads me to dwell upon the scents I encounter during my flâneur, and, of late, I have noticed a preponderance of maple in the air. After some measure of investigation with my contacts within the New York Public Library and City Hall, I was unable to make any headway; it appeared I’d have to take it upon myself to solve this riddle, which at this point was keeping me up long nights, to the endless chagrin of my wife.
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Categories: The Imaginary New Yorker Blog
Tags: central park, druids, horse and buggy, lycra, maple, mystery, new yorker, raspberry, running, syrup, woods
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23 Feb 2009
It’s not actually a hunch. I know exactly where Osama Bin Laden is hiding. He’s under my desk. I’ve had him since August, and I was waiting for Pres. Obama to take office, just to give him a little boost to start his presidency.
(Actual post (note: the title is a bit misleading, as Coll is simply guessing) here)
Categories: Raspy Thoughts, The Imaginary New Yorker Blog
Tags: barack, bin laden, bush, george, hiding, obama, osama, pakistan, raspberry, w
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06 Feb 2009
… In which I will read the short descriptions of the latest posts on the newyorker.com blogs and construct what I imagine said posts might say. I shall call this category of entries “The Imaginary New Yorker Blog”
Categories: The Imaginary New Yorker Blog
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