Tin Speaker » Sports?

Donté Stallworth killed somone, Plaxico Burress did not. Neither did Jason Kendall.

hornblower — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 04:13:43 +0000

He ran him over with his car. Someone is dead because of Donté Stallworth.

And he went to jail for only 24 days! What! WHAT! That’s the most ridiculous prison sentence since Jean Valjean got 19 years for copping a loaf of bread (five years for what he did, the rest because he tried to run; yes, 24601), erring heavily this time on the side of leniency. And Stallworth doesn’t have to carry around for the rest of his life a yellow passport that marks him as a convict. Talk about a sweet deal. He did get suspended without pay from the NFL for the 2009 season. So what! At least he’s not IN JAIL. He did, after all, KILL A MAN. Plaxico Burress, on the other hand, merely shot himself, causing pain and embarrassment but no death, and he’s going to jail for two years. This is a wacky world, indeed.

Remember Jason Kendall, the former catcher for the Pittsburgh Pirates? He was pretty good, right? I bet he never killed anyone with his car, or brought a loaded weapon into a nightclub illegally and then shot himself in the leg with it. I bet he never did either of those things.

You heard about Tiger?

hornblower — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 04:03:28 +0000

He lost the PGA Championship even though he led after 54 holes. What a bitch!

Except he made $810.000 for four days of playing golf. I’ll be lucky to make my first $810.000 by the time I turn 50.

Sports?

hornblower — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 03:35:33 +0000

For the first time, we’ll touch on the world of sports here at Tin Speaker. It’s not that I don’t like sports, it’s just that I hate America. Today I want to talk about sports. So I will. This will be a series of posts. This is just introductory.

The first topic is Usain Bolt. This guy is so fast. One time, I was driving on the Taconic State Parkway, and he ran past me. I was driving one hundred and ninety miles an hour, and he ran past me — barefoot! We’re talking about speed, here, readers. Also, there is now a warrant out for my arrest.

I think Usain Bolt should have been on the cover of TIME Magazine or Newsweek or (better yet) The Economist. Because 9.58 seconds is just such a tiny amount of time a person to be able to propel himself 100 meters forward with the aid of no apparatus but a pair of running shoes. I didn’t even know that he lowered the record again until today. That’s a disgrace to the New York Times’ email notification system. What kind of self-respecting, left-leaning rag reports on Robert Novak news but not Bolt! I care about speed, and speed only. So, from now on I only want Usain Bolt and Bryan Cranston updates.