Keep Moving This is the golden rule, far more important than any other, and for good reason. New Yorkers do not stop, do not question where they are going and do not slow down and debate which way to go while they’re approaching an intersection with a WALK sign. If you need to check your iPhone to make sure you’re heading in the right direction, do what everyone else does and duck into a Starbucks or, better yet, a phonebooth. You’ll be out of everyone’s way, and once you rejoin the flow you’ll know exactly where you’re going, giving you the confidence to keep up with the swarm.

If You Can’t Walk Faster, at Least Walk Smarter Contrary to popular fear, fast walkers are generally not opposed to slow walkers on principle; rather, their loathing comes from those instances in which a subpar walker slows a New Yorker down. In these cases the New Yorker may release pent-up frustrations with slow walkers in the past whom he had been lucky to avoid. The unfortunate offending tourist suffers not just for his own sins, but for those of his forebears as well.

Walk Two-Abreast; Three, Max One of the most common ways out-of-towners commit these transgressions is by walking along together with the whole group side-by-side across the whole goddamn sidewalk. Now, one meanderer, two, usually even three is no problem, just scoot around the right side at the next gap in the scaffolding. But you get up to four, five, six people strolling along like Dorothy and friends, and then you get the front lines of Kim Jong Un’s army coming from the other side, it gets harder and harder to wind and sprint yourself through the crush and to your destination.

Umbrella Etiquette Rules about umbrellas are often contentious, contended and controversial. Most agree that the size of the umbrella should be strictly proportional to the size of the person or persons it covers. It should be held straight up, with the holding arm kept tight to the body, unless there is such a wind that the whole block has initiated an incredibly synched and precise universal lean, in which case the chief duty is to the lean. There has been no real progress in the etiquette of the umbrella raise-or-lower. Certain camps claim that while passing each on the other’s left (as in roads in the United States), the taller pedestrian should raise his umbrella, while the shorter of the two kind of tried to squat down a little, or at least pretend to do so that the tall one didn’t feel like he was doing all the work. Others claim that that method is just worthless bullshit and that the authors just sit around sucking each other’s dicks all day.

Bicycles Are you kidding me? Unless you’re Lance Armstrong or Pee-Wee Herman, don’t ride one. Not even if you live in an enlightened, bike-friendly European city like Amsterdam or Copenhagen. You’ll probably get killed if you ride like you’re in Northern Europe.

Cars Why are we even talking about cars? I thought this was a column about walking? This is a much worse decision than bikes, unless you are using them strictly to get out of the city. Driving a car in the city is annoying enough for New Yorkers, and we know where everything is. Chasing down landmarks makes it easy to miss what you’re going through to get there. Opt to take a city bus instead and get a glimpse into the actual transportation experience of the average New Yorker. And you don’t have to worry about getting gas, getting hit, or getting a ticket.

Let’s check up on Deuteronomy 23.

“¹He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.”
Sorry, Lance.

“²A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD.”
A heaven without Eva Perón? No, thanks.

“³An Ammonite or Moabite shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to their tenth generation shall they not enter into the congregation of the LORD for ever.”
This is more like it. Ammonites certainly have no place in the kingdom of heaven. And, yeah, anyone who names himself after a bomb probably doesn’t belong at the right hand of God.

“²⁰Unto a stranger thou mayest lend upon usury; but unto thy brother thou shalt not lend upon usury: that the LORD thy God may bless thee in all that thou settest thine hand to in the land whither thou goest to possess it.”
Are you kidding me, Pope Clement V? Don’t ban usury outright, just ban it against your own brother. Too late now. The Jews already control all the money.

“²⁴When thou comest into thy neighbour’s vineyard, then thou mayest eat grapes thy fill at thine own pleasure; but thou shalt not put any in thy vessel.”
Speaking of Rothschilds! I’m about to get at some Château Lafite Rothschild grapes HARD BODY. For free. Mmm mmm.

“²⁵When thou comest into the standing corn of thy neighbour, then thou mayest pluck the ears with thine hand; but thou shalt not move a sickle unto thy neighbour’s standing corn.”
I’ve plucked mad ears in my day. Thanks, Deuteronomy 23:25 for giving me something to wave in stupid Farmer Hitchenweather’s face when he comes out waving the shotgun like a madman (not the good kind). Sorry, Hitchenweather. God’s orders.

Though this is a Christmas special, maybe we’ll check out some more bible chapters sometime in the future. God knows I’ve got nothing else to do these days.

When you search for something, you can now sort the results: most recent, best match, low price, high price. This sort of thing has no place in craigslist, which supposedly prides itself on not changing anything, ever. It’s the kind of thing that makes me want to hit someone in the mouth.

The other thing is, where are all the scalpers? I was expecting at least a few dozen listings for Dirty Projectors tickets, and a good amount for Girls, too. The selection was weaker than Reader Zero’s triceps. Does no one have $50 to spend on the latest buzz band anymore? Is craigslist cracking down? Am I going to have to find I new way to make money next semester? Don’t like the way this is going.

Also, typing ‘craigslist’ is always hard for me, for some reason. I usually write ‘craiglsit’ or ‘craigslit’ first. What’s with that?

Pretty funny, no? I thought so, too. I’m glad we agree on the matter.

I also found another interesting, related (if you clicked the link) little something. There have been, this decade, no less than four pieces, plus a blog entry, in the New Yorker with the title “String Theory.” Observe here. Talk about weak. This is supposed to be the top cultural magazine in the world (maybe? I don’t really know. I assume it is.) and they’re using the same trite pun for articles about Joanna Newsom, Jasper Johns and French ready-to-wear fashion.

Needless to say, none of the articles are actually about string theory.

Recall, if you will, a recent post. I discuss a Paula Abdul Twitter post in which she said that her fans never “seize to amaze” her. Is the Twitter post in question still up there? No, sir. Ms Abdul, or perhaps her publicist, read my scathing commentary and rushed to change it. Now it’s grammatically correct, but awfully boring. Judge for yourself. Perhaps I should have kept my fool mouth closed, knowing the power I wield. But no, I cannot. I have this platform, and I am duty-bound to uphold my obligation to talk mad smack. Nothing shall give me pause. Except if maybe I got a job. Then I’d probably slow down a little bit.

Maybe there is something to this Twitter thing, if it allows for gems like that one. At least now we know that account truly is, as advertised, “The Real Paula Abdul.”

I’m sure she meant it as a compliment to her fans, but here’s how I interpret it: a pirate mother is complaining to her sons that nowadays they only seize merchant ships for their own benefit, whereas they used to do it to try to win their mother’s love and approval. A little bit of a Freudian, Oedipal element going on there. D.H. Lawrence would probably do great things with Paula’s ramblings. A Rocking-Horse Winner for our times, perhaps?