Tin Speaker

Hey, so depending on where you are in the world it’s Christmas right now. As most of you already know, things can get pretty religious “up in this Tinspeaker bitch,” so if you’re uncomfortable with heavy Bible lifting, maybe you should just go back to one of my more heathen posts.

Let’s check up on Deuteronomy 23.

“¹He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.”
Sorry, Lance.

“²A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD.”
A heaven without Eva Perón? No, thanks.

“³An Ammonite or Moabite shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to their tenth generation shall they not enter into the congregation of the LORD for ever.”
This is more like it. Ammonites certainly have no place in the kingdom of heaven. And, yeah, anyone who names himself after a bomb probably doesn’t belong at the right hand of God.

“²⁰Unto a stranger thou mayest lend upon usury; but unto thy brother thou shalt not lend upon usury: that the LORD thy God may bless thee in all that thou settest thine hand to in the land whither thou goest to possess it.”
Are you kidding me, Pope Clement V? Don’t ban usury outright, just ban it against your own brother. Too late now. The Jews already control all the money.

“²⁴When thou comest into thy neighbour’s vineyard, then thou mayest eat grapes thy fill at thine own pleasure; but thou shalt not put any in thy vessel.”
Speaking of Rothschilds! I’m about to get at some Château Lafite Rothschild grapes HARD BODY. For free. Mmm mmm.

“²⁵When thou comest into the standing corn of thy neighbour, then thou mayest pluck the ears with thine hand; but thou shalt not move a sickle unto thy neighbour’s standing corn.”
I’ve plucked mad ears in my day. Thanks, Deuteronomy 23:25 for giving me something to wave in stupid Farmer Hitchenweather’s face when he comes out waving the shotgun like a madman (not the good kind). Sorry, Hitchenweather. God’s orders.

Though this is a Christmas special, maybe we’ll check out some more bible chapters sometime in the future. God knows I’ve got nothing else to do these days.

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This entry was posted on 25 Dec 2009 at 4:05 am and is filed under Raspy Thoughts. You can subscribe via RSS 2.0 feed to this post's comments.

Tags: bible, chateauneuf-du-pape, christmas, deuteronomy, god, king james

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