Tin Speaker

Reader 2: I’ve grown weary of waiting. My anger rises within me. Anger at Hornblower, and at the world.

Reader 1: He used to be so reliable. So trustworthy. I fear that fame has turned him all topsy-turvy.

Reader 2: I heard he sits all day in the cantina, drinking Land Shark beer.

Reader 1: The Jimmy Buffett beer?

Reader 2: Yes, didn’t you click the hyperlink?

Reader 1: No, I didn’t want to leave this site.

Reader 2: Old feelings die hard.

Reader 1: Your mom dies hard.

Reader 2: What?

Reader 1: Never mind. It’s useless. Hornblower’s the only true comic voice in all the land. We need him.

Reader 2: Forget it, Reader 1. He’s gone home. To roost. We never needed him, you know. He only brought us down. We’re better off without him.

Hornblower: I heard that.

Reader 1, Reader 2, God: Hornblower!

Hornblower: Aye. I be Hornblower.

Reader 1: I- I thought you were in the East!

Hornblower: Oh, foolish reader. Oh, silly little man. Ho, ho, ho. You are so jaundiced that it pains me to look at you. Put on a turtleneck.

Reader 1: I don’t have a turtleneck.

Hornblower: God, give this sot a turtleneck.

God: Okay.

Reader 1: Ugh, this isn’t real cashmere.

God: Yes it is.

Hornblower: Go away, God.

God: Okay.

Reader 2: Why are your muscles bigger than God’s, Hornblower?

Hornblower: Because I’m more important than God. Reader 2, you are a miserable cactus flower. I wouldn’t employ you as a slave on my property, that’s how low an opinion of you I have. I will use you as a mop.

Reader 2: Stop, please. My hair! This isn’t soapy water!

Hornblower: It’s baby blood and tomato juice. And egg yolks.

Reader 1: I ate a raw egg once, on a dare. It was so gross!

Hornblower: I ate your mom’s raw egg. More than once.

Reader 1, Reader 2, God: He’s back all right!

Hornblower: I thought I told you to leave, God.

God: Sorry. I left my toothbrush.

Hornblower. Shut your mouth and leave. And shave your beard.

God: Okay.

Hornblower: My muscles are bigger than yours.

God: They sure are.

Hornblower: I said leave.

God: Right. Sorry.

Hornblower: I ate a raw human once, for no reason. It was your father, actually, Reader 2.

Reader 2: So that’s where he went.

God: You’re going to heaven anyway, Hornblower, don’t worry.

Hornblower: I am not worried about whether I will go to heaven.

God: Great, I mean you shouldn’t be, it’s no question, you’re in! Ha, ha, ha! Ha. Ha HA!

Hornblower: Stop laughing like that. Leave.

God: Yup.

Hornblower: When I go to heaven, you’d better not be there.

God: No, of course not.

Reader 2: I think I wet myself.

Reader 1: You certainly did.

Hornblower: I wet myself once.

Reader 1: …

Reader 2: …

Hornblower: With money!

Reader 1: What?

Reader 2: What? That doesn’t make any sense.

Hornblower: I wouldn’t expect cretins to understand.

Reader 1: When are you going to start writing again.

Reader 2: Yeah, Hornblower, I’m losing blood here. I’m losing blood.

Hornblower: That’s not your blood, that’s just the baby blood.

Reader 2: …

Hornblower: No, wait, some of that is your blood. You’re bleeding out of your temple. Where I punched you.

Reader 2: When did you do that?

Hornblower: When you blinked.

Reader 2: I haven’t blinked since we started this dialogue.

Hornblower: There’s your first mistake.

Reader 2: …

Hornblower: And your last.

…

Reader 1: Why did you kill Reader 2?

…

God: Why did you kill Reader 1? Not that you’re not getting into heaven or anything. I’m totally not judging you, I’m just curious. I think it’s kind of cool that you killed him, actually. Totally cool. I’m the cool, New Testament God, okay? Not that spiteful old codger from the old book! Gee!

…

Nietzsche: God is dead! Why did you kill God?

Hornblower: Tell the world. And tell all the people that Hornblower seeks a team of stallions. For the cornfields.

…

Hornblower: Why did I kill Nietzsche?